Sometimes I just have to think

Who knew blogging could be so daunting? All you have to do is sit down, write anything down and hit 'publish.'

Not so simple for a perfectionist.

Although it may seem like I've been silent for these past few weeks, I have been thoroughly racking my brain for ideas and trying to come up with the next great post. I even have pages and pages of new posts in my notebook that just somehow never made it up here.

Because that is how perfectionists work. We get caught up in an endless train of what-ifs, maybes, and not good enoughs to the point where nothing gets done.

I realized that this rut I've fallen into in my blog-life is eerily similar to patterns in my real life.

So, for example, when I realize I need to make changes in my spiritual life, I just sit and think, "Well, if I were better, I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place so first I have to fix it and then go to God."

Or when I realize I still have a hard time meeting new people, rather than reaching out to acquaintances in order to establish actual relationships with people I think, "Well, if I weren't so shy, I wouldn't have to make an effort, it would just happen naturally so I have to fix that first."

And then the "fix that first" part turns into "I don't even know where to begin."

Thankfully, a priest recently reassured me, "God favors humility over perfection" and I'm beginning to (slowly) realize how true that really is.

The way that I'm beginning to see it is if God wanted us to be perfect all the time, he wouldn't have given us free will. We could have just been made to love God and only God. But that wouldn't be true love at all. While that is what we are hardwired to do, it still isn't what we always choose. Nonetheless, God trusted us with that choice when he created man (and still does, over and over and over again).

So I guess that the point of this whole sloppy rant is, I will never be perfect by my own means. This dinky blog will never be perfect, I will never be a super-extrovert (which for some odd reason equals perfection in my mind, I just realized), but God still loves me and he rejoices in the true humility it takes to return to him when I stumble.

Stay tuned: More about my upcoming trip to India, how I offend perfect strangers and why single women are single.