India on my mind

About a week and a half ago, my boss called me into his office to chat.

"Hill, you want to go to India?"

"Hahaha. Yes." (Trying my best to laugh at his cruel sarcasm).

"Ok, great. I'll put you in touch with the people who invited me."

Wait, what?

Turns out a PR group invited my boss for a press tour of India for an upcoming film, Not Today, to be released next summer.

He's going to be out of the country already and everyone else has been on assignments this year, so that means I get to go to India to visit the slums of Bangalore, Hyderabad and Mumbai as well as the schools that have built to keep kids from being sold into human-trafficking.

I've always wanted to visit India, but never gave it any thought because I could never figure out how I would even begin to plan visiting there. Now however, God is giving me the awesome opportunity to meet people that I would never in my life have the opportunity to meet otherwise and experience a culture that is entirely its own.

I must admit, I am terrified about the crowds and poverty that I will see. I've been reading a book by an American woman who just decided to live with Mother Teresa's order, the Missionaries of Charity, for a month while she was in college in the 80s. Before leaving for India her prayer was something along the lines of, "Lord, help me to be attracted to the poor and deformed and not repulsed by them."

I love that because it is so honest. Our natural inclination is to turn away from deformation and suffering and to love the afflicted from afar, perhaps with a silent prayer or donation to a charity. While in India, I know I will be exposed to the most extreme poverty that I will ever see in my life. I pray that I will be able to see Christ in them and that they may see him in me.

Although the movie is made by an evangelical church, I'm going to try and sneak in all the Catholic content I can. My co-worker suggested that I just tell the group I have to get to daily mass everyday and bring my video equipment and interview all the Catholics I meet at the church. Brilliant!
 

My biggest hope is that I'll meet some Missionaries of Charity while I'm over there. If I do, I will probably ask for their autographs and just want hang out with them for the entire trip. This only confirms my family's suspicions they will receive a collect call from an Indian payphone from me saying I've joined the MCs and am never coming home. I told them I'd prefer to marry a 6'2" Indian man and live as family missionaries, but I don't think that's likely either.

Sometimes I just have to think

Who knew blogging could be so daunting? All you have to do is sit down, write anything down and hit 'publish.'

Not so simple for a perfectionist.

Although it may seem like I've been silent for these past few weeks, I have been thoroughly racking my brain for ideas and trying to come up with the next great post. I even have pages and pages of new posts in my notebook that just somehow never made it up here.

Because that is how perfectionists work. We get caught up in an endless train of what-ifs, maybes, and not good enoughs to the point where nothing gets done.

I realized that this rut I've fallen into in my blog-life is eerily similar to patterns in my real life.

So, for example, when I realize I need to make changes in my spiritual life, I just sit and think, "Well, if I were better, I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place so first I have to fix it and then go to God."

Or when I realize I still have a hard time meeting new people, rather than reaching out to acquaintances in order to establish actual relationships with people I think, "Well, if I weren't so shy, I wouldn't have to make an effort, it would just happen naturally so I have to fix that first."

And then the "fix that first" part turns into "I don't even know where to begin."

Thankfully, a priest recently reassured me, "God favors humility over perfection" and I'm beginning to (slowly) realize how true that really is.

The way that I'm beginning to see it is if God wanted us to be perfect all the time, he wouldn't have given us free will. We could have just been made to love God and only God. But that wouldn't be true love at all. While that is what we are hardwired to do, it still isn't what we always choose. Nonetheless, God trusted us with that choice when he created man (and still does, over and over and over again).

So I guess that the point of this whole sloppy rant is, I will never be perfect by my own means. This dinky blog will never be perfect, I will never be a super-extrovert (which for some odd reason equals perfection in my mind, I just realized), but God still loves me and he rejoices in the true humility it takes to return to him when I stumble.

Stay tuned: More about my upcoming trip to India, how I offend perfect strangers and why single women are single.

These are rockin' blogs

My friend Francine nominated my blog for an award, so I decided to return the favor.

Check out these sweet blogs (with 200 followers or less-- what, are people crazy?):

Francine @ Beautiful, Sweet Life (Her sister Justine was my roommate-- and is one of my besty friends-- so sometimes I got to talk to Francine's baby on skype, thankfully now she has a blog about her fam. All I can say is lol.)

Emily @ Just Weird Enough (the only thing better than reading the stories on Emily's blog is having her tell them to you in person. Her sister Grace is like the Godfather of Catholic blogs because if she links your post on her blog, you automatically get a million visits)

Jenny @ Mama Needs Coffee (she's my sister and is super brilliant and witty concerning all things Catholic & counter-cultural, so, you know, that's a lot to live up to)

Lizzie @ Do You Live in a Rock? (she's also my sister and is really funny and crafty, also hard to live up to)

Cool girl @ Life in the Gap (umm, I don't actually know her name and feel like a total creeper, but we must have some common blog buddies b/c I somehow found her blog about being single and Catholic and really love it. We should be real life friends some day).

the rules:

a. choose 5 up and coming blogs with less than 200 followers to give the award to (Opps, did I cheat by linking multiple blogs in one entry?)
b. show your thanks to the blogger who awarded you by linking back to them
c. post the award on your blog
d. list the blogs you gave the award to by linking on your site. Leave a comment on their blogs to let them know you awarded them. (Nah, they'll figure it out)
e. list 5 random facts about yourself. (there's already enough weird stuff about me on here. No need to know more at this time.)

Sometimes you just gotta suck it up

After attending the world's most depressing Theology on Tap the other evening, I was going to write a post about how there is empirical evidence that right now really is a crappy time to be a single lady in search of a good man.

It would have sounded something like, "Waaah, wah wah. It's society's fault I'm single," or, "Boo hoo, I have so many problems," or even, "Noo, now I have to adopt cats and raise them as my family."

Then I realized that I probably wouldn't even be my friend after reading such a shameless display of self-pity.

But concern for social acceptance aside, I realized I really was thinking like a self-centered little snot.

You see, life is never just sunshine and lollipops (or a perpetual honeymoon as I imagine married life to be). It is work, no matter what one's marital status is. Yes, it is often filled with great joy, but right alongside that is pain and suffering.

Yesterday, as I was thinking out my pity party post, a friend of mine found out his friend's father passed away just a few months before his son was to be ordained a priest.

And there I was, trying to come up with witty ways of using cultural woes to explain away my marital status. (Please insert lengthy eye-roll here)

So, yes, it is hard to be a Catholic single woman in such a secular culture. And yes, it does often seem like men who share my values and morals don't exist (or are already taken or are not interested). But, at the same time, it's always going to be hard to be a Catholic anything in this world. Priest, Nun, Parent, Spouse, you name it.

You see, as Christians, we are not made to find prefect ease and comfort on this earth (I mean, I still want to just spend my life sitting by the pool drinking wine while listening to a live orchestra play Beethoven, but Heaven will infinitely more awesome even than that).

We know that this life is fleeting and just a preparation for eternity. We are given this time to fight and  prepare ourselves for Heaven. And God gives us the opportunity to do that everyday of our lives, with whatever he puts in front of us.

As Papa B said, "The world offers you comfort, but you were not made for comfort; you were made for greatness."

 

You said it, Papa B.

So, on the one hand, I could just give up and give in to our culture's dating standards. It would be much quicker and easier to find someone for sure.

On the other hand, I could suck it up and just enjoy being single while it lasts, knowing all the while that I'm saying no to instant gratification now for the sake of a deeper and more lasting joy later.

Guilty Catholics like me love Divine Mercy

Here's the thing with Catholic guilt: it really is useful when applied properly.

Now, I know any non-Catholics reading this must be thinking, "Right, like it's healthy for people to be guilted into believing in God. That's why there's so many ex-Catholics!"

Well, my brother or sister in Christ; you are absolutely correct.

In my experience, when I first began to take my faith more seriously, it was first out of guilt. I was at a great Catholic school and always had the opportunity to receive the sacraments, go to adoration, pray the rosary, study scripture or whatever else my little pious heart could desire.

Only, I didn't want to do it out of love for God; I usually felt compelled to do these things out of concern for how other students would see me and what God would think if I neglected to take advantage of the plentiful opportunities that campus gave me to spend time with Him.

I would go to mass not because I wanted to necessarily, but more because I wanted to look holy or I was afraid God would somehow not love me as much as I didn't.

"Aha!" You skeptics will say, "See? You are guilted into being a Catholic! You're trying to earn your salvation through liturgy and Marian devotion!"

Again, you are entirely correct. But you know what? That's not the Church's fault. It's entirely my own.

You see, the way I saw my relationship with God is a sign of my own disordered view of  how I related to Him and other people. Often times, due to lack of self esteem (or whatever, I'm still trying to figure it out myself) I'd try to earn people's love because I was sure there was no way they cold possibly just love me for me. I mean, it didn't make sense. How could our Savior die for me with no strings attached? It just seemed too simple.

Well, the more I allowed myself to ask that question, the more I realized that it really is that simple.
Of course God thirsts for our hearts and longs for us to be in union with Him, but He redeemed us regardless of what we do.

Now, I know what this sounds like: I've been saved and that's that! Well, yes and no. Obviously, God died for every soul, but it's up to us to reject or accept His love. On a daily basis.

That, I realized, is why I felt guilty. Not because God would no longer love me but because I chose my snooze button over the Eucharist, being the center of attention over keeping my mouth shut and allowing someone else to tell a funny story, a movie before bed over praying with Our Lady.

Obviously God will always love me no matter what, but can I say the same?

That is why I am so grateful for the blessing that is Divine Mercy Sunday.

This is the feast in which God reminds us that He doesn't care what we've done. Yes, we may have rejected Him in the past, but that is not what matters to Him. What matters is if we choose to love Him above all else.

It's a tall order, but He asks no more than what He's willing to do Himself.

He is Risen!

Alright, so thanks to an oversight in my auto-posting, I look like a heathen because I haven't talked about the most amazing thing to ever happen on God's green earth (and the universe, for that matter): God became man, was beaten and tortured to death by the very people he came to redeem, was sealed in a tomb, descended into hell and then -- wait for it -- He rose from the dead!

(Thankfully, it's still Easter, so I don't look like a total pagan)

Here are a few awesome things that happened to me this Easter (in no particular order):

1. I went to Virginia and visited my sister Lizzie and her lovely family and got to meet my cutie nephew Charlie and hang out with Mikey, the biggest, baddest 2 & 1/2 year old on the block.

2. I got the 12 hour stomach flu and almost passed out during Mass and had to take refuge in the minivan before communion (this is sarcasm, it was not awesome to be sick and not receive the Eucharist on Easter).

3. A very dear friend of mine who has been going through a rough time decided to make some major changes in her life (most of which were/ will be enacted during during Holy Week, Easter, Divine Mercy Sunday annnd the feast of her patron, St. Bernadette. Coincidence? I think not- listen up, kiddos: prayer works).

4. My awesome friends Emily and Emily have been dedicated to celebrating Easter every day this week which has resulted in two nights of me not having to make dinner for myself. And getting to hang out with them!

5. I realized that even though we can be apart for months at a time, I am still a younger sister and act like one (just ask Lizzie why she got pegged in the forehead with a graham cracker).

6. I was introduced to some baby goats by the precocious 7-year-old next door neighbor.

7. I intentionally left my Easter candy in VA because I know I have no shred of self control when it comes to Reese's cups, but immediately regretted the decision as soon as I got back to my apartment and found it chocolate-less.

8. The girl on the plane next to me was reading Catching Fire while I was reading Mockingjay. Even though she didn't say hello back to me when she first sat down, I know we could definitely be friends some day.

Sometimes people do not know what I'm talking about

I believe it is high time I defined some of the terms I use on this blog so any people actually reading this will actually know what I am referring to. So in absolutely no alphabetical or coherent order here it is:

a Hunky Boy- refers to any young male I happen to take a fancy to at any given time. Due to my track record, it is safe to assume this situation generally ends in tragedy, and not even the interesting, poetic Shakespearean kind of tragedy. More like the anti-climactic, "Oh, he's dating that babe now?" kind of tragedy. Not to be confused with The Hunky Boy, which is the man I am going to marry, but have yet to meet.

babe- a complimentary term referring to a lovely lady. Don't worry, radical feminists, I'm a female so I can use this term without it being derogatory.

footer- (foo-tur) a person in the early stages of childhood who is especially precocious, (ie; my brother Patrick from age 0-9) and thinks he or she rules the world (and is usually right). They are known to wander over to the neighbor's house to knock back a couple root beers with the retired naval officer (whilst their family frantically searches) at age three.

Muriel - a little girl of the footer persuasion who was in the elementary school class I volunteered in during high school. The stories I told my family about her were so awkward and strange that my sister decided to call me by that name whenever I do anything strange or awkward (which is often).

Successful encounters with men- ok, so I stole this from an episode of 30 Rock. For me, it refers to any horribly awkward interaction with a male that I experience. I count this as "successful" because it is a) an encounter with a male (an anomaly in my life) and b) I am using sarcasm to cover up my utter embarrassment or discomfort.

Singlehood- my current status of not being married or in a romantic relationship. This episode, however lonely at times, is not to be spent wallowing in self-pity and gallons of cookies-and-cream ice cream (well, maybe sometimes). It is meant to be spent reveling in the freedom which my situation provides me which I will not be able to do once married. Ie; eating cereal for dinner (no one else to cook for), spending an entire day wandering around Denver (no other schedule to coordinate with), watching chick flicks with no sarcastic commentary (except my own), going to plays, museums, movies, etc. alone (very empowering if you've never done it before and are afraid of it), volunteering, bedecking my apartment with utterly feminine decor (hell yeah, I've got throw pillows and chandelier print lamp shades) and living in joyful expectation of the man (not perpetual adolescent) God has in mind for me.

Hopefully this will give you a little insight into the vocabulary that is generally only used in my interior dialogue.